39 Lies of John

1.) Selma March Got Me Born - I don’t claim to understand this very well. But I think the struggle that allowed black men and white women to date had something to do with his birth.

2.) Father Was A Goat Herder – Being a goat herder does not mean you do not go to school. I too, knew my way around goats. And I went to school, too.

3.) Father Was A Proud Freedom Fighter - Read about Kenya and see that those who were educated in the 50s and 60s all fought for independence

4.) My Family Has Strong Ties To African Freedom - According to the U.S Odinga won the 2007 election. The violence that followed was unfortunate. Obama helped to resolve it.

5.) My Grandmother Has Always Been A Christian - News flash. In Africa, you can be a Christian and still marry as many wives as you want.

6.) My Name is African Swahili - Well, Swahili is a language that came from a mixture of local languages, English and Arabic.

Do not let real Arabs hear this twisted logic you are making. They won’t find it funny.

7.) I Never Practiced Islam - This one does not deserve a response. You cannot accuse him of being in a racist church for 20 years and also being a Muslim for 31 years.

8.) My School in Indonesia Was Christian - He was how old then? Did he register or was he registered? My daughter is in a catholic school in New York. She will soon learn Hail Mary. Does that make her a Catholic?

9.) I Was Fluent In Indonesian – It will be impossible to school in Indonesia at that age without learning the language. Unless he was in an International School with we know he wasn’t in. Otherwise they wouldn’t be teaching him Islamic studies as you alleged.

10.) Because I Lived In Indonesia , I Have More Foreign Experience – His foreign experience did not come from just living in Indonesia. He has a passport, at least. Unlike someone who may soon be a heartbeat away from the President. You cannot on one hand deride him for being only 6-10 years and then blame him on the other hand for being in Indonesia.

11.) I Am Stronger On Foreign Affairs - I am sure that you, John, has never been anywhere else on earth but America. Otherwise you should have known that in most cases, you cannot go to Africa without first going to Europe.

12.) I Blame My Early Drug Use On Ethnic Confusion - What he really blamed was an obsession with himself… me me desire. What I want. What will make me happy. You are lucky, John, that you do not have to deal with split personality identity issues.

13.)An Ebony Article Moved Me To Run For Office – Something written moved him. He stated at the very beginning that his memoir was a composite due partly to memory lapses. Do you know what that means?

14.) A Life Magazine Article Changed My Outlook On Life – Same as above

15.) I Won’t Run On A National Ticket In ’08 – In politics timing is everything.

16.) Voting ’Present’ is Common In Illinois Senate – Independent sources have said that it is.

17.) Oops, I Misvoted – What is that about?

18.) I Was A Professor Of Law – How did you know the difference? Every teacher in a college is called a Professor.

19.) I Was A Constitutional Lawyer – Yes. He was teaching constitutional law.

20.) Without Me, There Would Be No Ethics Bill – So what did he do? Misvote? Was his name associated with it?

21.) The Ethics Bill Was Hard To Pass – What about the negotiation that went into it?

22.) I Wrote A Tough Nuclear Bill – I thought you guys said he had never broken with his Democratic Party? What is this about?

23.) I Have Released My State Records – Couldn’t it be that he was just ‘present’? He really wrote a bill? No way.

24.) I Took On The Asbestos Altgeld Gardens Mess – And that has never happened in politics. They all work alone.

25.) My Economics Bill Will Help America – He wrote a bill? I am confused. Alone? Or with others? He really voted?

26.) I Have Been A Bold Leader In Illinois – Why they voted for him to come to the U.S Senate, I do not know.

27.) I Passed 26 Of My Own Bills In One Year – Well, you can say the same thing about Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy…

28.) No One on my campaign contacted Canada about NAFTA – I thought she was fired after it was revealed that someone did?

29.) I Am Tough On Terrorism – Oh, if only he had voted for that resolution he would have received the stamp of approval as a tough fighter of terrorism who will follow Osama to the gate of hell.

30.) I Want All Votes To Count – I thought voters elect the delegates? Oh, I am smoking again.

31.) I Want Americans To Decide – Get over it. The primaries are over. Next time sign up to advise Hilary.

32.) I passed 900 Bills in the State Senate – He passed any bill? That is wonderful. We know he cannot write. Bush cannot write too. But Bush did OK. Didn’t he?

33.) I Believe In Fairness, Not Tactics – I know. If only we had stopped him there. We wouldn’t be having this nightmare. Isn’t it, John?

34.) I Don’t Take PAC Money – OK. And so did Palin.

35.) I don’t Have Lobbysists – OK. And so did Palin.

36.) My Campaign Had Nothing To Do With The 1984 Ad – Look who is complaining about Ads. Have you seen the flirts the Palin-McCain people are churning out?

37.) I Have Always Been Against Iraq – If he had voted not to fund the war you would have screamed that he was not supporting the military. We are not stupid.

38.) I Have Always Supported Universal Health Care – There will always be those who will not have to buy it- people that the government would help. So, get over it.

39.) My uncle liberated Auschwitz concentration camp – What about his great Uncle? His mother’s brother is obviously too young to fight Hitler.

John, what will you do on November 5th when you will wake up and hear that Barack Obama has been elected the President of the United States of America? Will you move to a different country? I have told you before and I will say it again, the world will not come to an end. Trust your country. It is stronger than you think. One man cannot destroy it. If Bush-Cheney did not, nobody can. Stop panicking like a sissy because someone outside your comfort zone has a good chance of being president. Embrace him and see how low your blood pressure will drop. But if you must peddle lies, find the ones that will make you look less ignorant. They are all over the Internet. If you need help finding them, let me know.