Announcer: ..and now, here is your Tonight’s Show host, Dr. D.J. Damages

(Applause)

Dr. Damages: Thank you. Legend has it that there was only one man out of over two million at the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States who refused to stand up for Obama. That man was the former Vice President, Dick Cheney.

(Applause)

Makers of legends maintained that he pretended to have hurt himself just to be in a wheelchair and be exempted from standing at anytime during the ceremony. I do not think that is true. I also do not think he hurt himself carrying secret files of torture documents or confetti from copies of the Constitution he shredded in over the eight years in the White House.

(Applause)

Dr Damages: He has been called many names - the Devil incarnate, the Evil genius, and those are just the two we can mention on a family show like ours. From MacLean, Virginia, by way of Casper, Wyoming, please give a warm welcome to Vice President Dick Cheney.

(Applause)

Dick Cheney walks into the stage, shakes Dr. Damages’ hand and takes his seat.

Dr Damages: Welcome to the show.

Dick Cheney: Nice to be here.

Dr Damages: How have you been adjusting to life outside the White House?

Dick Cheney: I have been doing great. Now that I don’t have to baby sit George W. Bush, I have a lot of time to myself.

Dr Damages: What do you mean baby sit?

Dick Cheney: I no longer have to sit with him and watch him recite capitals of countries, names of presidents, and pronounce nuclear again and again. It was time consuming. I rather watch a kid color Barney than sit there and endure that torture.

Dr Damages: Do you miss the White House?

Dick Cheney: I miss listening to the phone conversations of those stupid liberals. I miss those undisclosed locations I once inhabited. They were so cool. I miss being able to fix oil prices round the world by simply pulling my energy task force strings. But what I miss most is making Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice explain themselves again and again only to have George W. do what I told him to do. It was fun.

Dr. Damages: What have you been doing with your free time?

Dick Cheney: I watch Fox news, go hunting, watch Fox news and go hunting again.

Dr. Damages: Who have you hunted with recently?

Dick Cheney: A lot of people. You can find their names on the obituary pages of the Washington Times. But I tell you what, I look forward to hunting with President Bush.

Dr Damages: Talking about President Bush, there was this news story that you were furious with him for not pardoning your former Chief of Staff, Lewis Scotty Libby, on his last days in office. Is that true?

Dick Cheney: Like I said, I look forward to hunting with President Bush.

Dr Damages: Many have called your inability to get the pardon as Bush’s revenge for all the wrong advice you gave him which ruined his presidency and placed him among the worst ten presidents in history.

Dick Cheney: It is not over yet.

Dr Damages: What is not over? The presidency of George Bush is over.

Dick Cheney: I know that. What I mean is that it is not yet time to say who is on top and who is down.

Dr. Damages: Are you with those who think that history can still vindicate George W. Bush?

Dick Cheney: No. History is not that dumb. I mean, we cannot say who got the last laugh yet on the Scotty thing until I go hunting with him and we shall see who will come back in a body bag.

Dr. Damages: In a recent interview, you chastened the young Obama administration, calling them irresponsible. Why won’t you give them a break as others seem to be doing?

Dick Cheney: That boy shouldn’t have been president in the first place. He wasn’t even born in the United States.

Dr Damages: Don’t tell me you bought into that myth, too?

Dick Cheney: Myth? I asked for the documents and I got it from the CIA.

Dr Damages: How did you ask for the document?

Dick Cheney: What do you mean by that?

Dr. Damages: Did you ask the same way you asked for evidence of weapon of mass destruction in Iraq and the frightened CIA staff made one for you?

Dick Cheney: I don’t know what you mean by that. I just said to our men at the CIA, give me the evidence that this boy was not born in the United States and they gave it to me.

Dr. Damages: Where is it?

Dick Cheney: It is in one of those boxes I was carrying when I hurt my back.

Dr. Damages: What are you going to do with it?

Dick Cheney: If Halliburton doesn’t make me CEO again, I am going to write an explosive book.

Dr. Damages: You still want to go back to work?

Dick Cheney: Unfortunately, yes.

Dr Damages: Why? What happened to the 100 million dollars fortune you had before you became Vice President?

Dick Cheney: Thanks to Obama’s spend-spend economic policy, I am now worth less than a million dollars.

Dr Damages: Obama just got in there.

Dick Cheney: Are they ever going to take ownership of it all? Don’t tell me they are still blaming George W.

Dr. Damages: Have you received any offers from publishers for a memoir?

Dick Cheney: A lot.

Dr Damages: How much are they offering you?

Dick Cheney: I am not going to announce it here. But you can imagine what they will offer me if they are offering George W. upwards of ten million to write a color-book memoir. And we all know that he had no idea what happened in the White House in the last eight years.

Dr Damages: Do you regret anything in your last eight years in the White House?

Dick Cheney: Not capturing Osama bin Laden.

Dr. Damages: Why is that personally important to you?

Dick Cheney: George W. had this bet with me.

Dr. Damages: What did the bet say?

Dick Cheney: George W. said he would hand over his Crawford ranch to me if Osama is not proven to have only one testicle.

Dr. Damages: What? One testicle?

Dick Cheney: Yes. George W. believes strongly that Osama has just one testicle. He said he saw that in a dream. He said it was the real reason why the man was angry with the world.

Dr. Damages: Is that why you maintained that torture is necessary?

Dick Cheney: Oh, no.

Dr. Damages: So why do you support torture?

Dick Cheney: I believe that by any means necessary, we must obtain information from the bad guys if it will help to protect the United States. And what better way to obtain information from bad guys than to crush their testicles with pliers. It ruins their dream of 72 virgins in heaven.

Dr. Damages: How does that affect the international conventions we are signatory to?

Dick Cheney: Only sissies give a hoot what conventions say. Those who want to remake the world listen to the beat of their own drums.

Dr Damages: Do you think you succeeded in remaking the world?

Dick Cheney: Yes, of course.

Dr Damages: How?

Dick Cheney: For one, we got that Chimpanzee in the White House.

Dr Damages: No, you did not call President Obama a Chimpanzee?

Dick Cheney: You are right I did not. The New York Post did.

Dr. Damages: How else did you remake the world?

Dick Cheney: We separated the old Europe from the New Europe, Regis from Kathie Lee and Justin Timberlake from the N Sync.

Dr Damages: What else?

Dick Cheney: We altered forever the laws of economics.

Dr Damages: How?

Dick Cheney: We proved beyond any doubt that crude oil prices can be going down but gas prices will be going up. We make it an acceptable economic fact.

Dr. Damages: And you are proud of that?

Dick Cheney: Of course. My friends in the oil companies have been expressing their appreciation, in kind and in cash. If they continue this way, I may just retire for good.

Dr. Damages: Mary and her kid, how’re they doing?

Dick Cheney: You mean Mary and Jesus?

Dr Damages: No. Mary, your daughter.

Dick Cheney: Oh, fine, I suppose.

Dr Damages: You don’t sound confident.

Dick Cheney: No, I am.

Dr. Damages: When is she getting married?

Dick Cheney: To whom?

Dr Damages: To your daughter-in-law.

Dick Cheney: I have no son. So, I have no daughter-in-law.

Dr. Damages: What do you call Mary’s partner?

Dick Cheney: Who?

Dr. Damages: Heather Poe?

Dick Cheney: What have you heard?

Dr. Damages: Like what? Is Mary getting married? Is she pregnant again? What? Is she expecting Octopus?

Dick Cheney: (Cheney looks pale. He is not responding)

Dr. Damages: Hello, Mr. Vice President?

Dick Cheney: (Sweating, drooping down his chair)

Dr. Damages: Mr. Vice President?

Dick Cheney: (Drooling. Hands move to his chest.)

Dr. Damages: He is having a heart attack. Please someone should call the ambulance. Call the ambulance.

Cheney is helped to the floor by his aides.

Dr. Damages: We will be right back.