I cannot believe I am writing this. But what option does a writer have? It is my job.

Before yesterday if you had asked me where Eminem was, I would have said in a jail somewhere in Detroit.

I did not know he was still in the music business. I thought he was lost in a world where he fights and divorces and marries and fights and divorces and marries his wife. I did not know he had a relationship with Mariah Carey. As a matter of fact, I did not know what second base was. But now I know more than I ever wanted to know.

This is how it started. Yesterday, while taking a break from my studies in a library, I picked up a picture book about Eminem.

Of course, it had pictures which I looked at. But it also had pictures of scrap papers where he wrote some of his famous rhymes. I saw words written, words scratched off and words written on top of words.

It was all about rhyming and shocking. By looking at words scratched and words used to replace them, you can figure out how Eminem’s mind works.

While going home, I tuned my car radio off its NPR home and tuned to a hip hop radio station. I just wanted to know what I have missed all these years.

It happened that Eminem’s new album is going to drop on the 19th of May. It is called Relapse. To help sell it, Eminem picked a fight with Mariah Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon of America Got Talent, in the leaked song he called, Bagpipes From Baghdad.

In the song, Eminem made reference to his brief relationship with Mariah Carey. Here is how he described it in his lyrics.

“Nick Cannon better back the f*** up. I’m not playing, I want her back, you punk. Nick Cannon, you pr**k, I wish you luck with that f***in’ whore.”

That was all that was needed for Nick Cannon to buy the bait. In a blog post which Nick later removed, he said this about Eminem, “I feel sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from eight years ago.”

He described Relapse as “rapping about when he used to be hot...Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.”

I know Al Bundy. Al Bundy is my hero. Nick, Eminem is not Al Bundy.

Anyway, it did not end there. Nick then dropped the bomb: “I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world’s most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey...You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake.”

And all hell broke loose. You don’t mess with the most notable BLACK female of our time and hope to smile all the way to the bank.

Of course, Nick played into Eminem’s hand. I would never have heard about the album Relapse. But now I know the release date. And you can bet that I am looking forward to listening to the rest of the beautiful lyrics of Bagpipes From Baghdad.

Nick thought he was probably defending his wife but as is the case with things like this, he was bring greater publicity to whatever Eminem is saying. Nick would have been better off ignoring Eminem. That would have really pissed Eminem off.

Now the issue has gone out of hand. There are questions as to whether Nick is really
“a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon,” as he described himself.

I think he is something less.

Then, there is a question of whether Eminem is really “an old school Caucasian con man.” Nick called him, “a natural born racist in disguise.”

I think Eminem’s friendship with Proof disproves that. (I read about it in the picture book.)

In 2003, Mariah Carey in her song Clown responded to Eminem’s suggestion that he had a relationship with her. She sang: “You should’ve never intimated we were lovers, when you know very well we never even touched each other.”

So this thing has been going on for a while? Where was I?

Nick Cannon asked the question: “What type of grown...man lies about getting with a chick?”

I truly do not know a grown man who does something that cheap. What I do know is that by fueling this hype, Nick has helped Eminem the same way 50 Cent’s beef with Rick Ross helped Rick Ross turn his Deeper Than Rap album into a number one album in the country.

I suspect that Eminem may now be forced to release the video to prove that he got to second base with Mariah Carey. That video will knock Kim Kardashian and Ray J off the sex video chart.

You ain’t seen nothing yet. You just wait!