A UNESCO officer came to India to educated Indian couples on birth control. He gathered about hundred couples in a hall but on looking at the dilated eyes of these men and women, he found himself at a loss on how to start. After a moment of reflection, he decided to start by asking the couples how frequent they had sex.

“Please indicate by raising your hands,” he started, “who amongst you have sex every night?”

Nobody raised a hand.

“Who amongst you have sex once a week?” he asked.

Less than a dozen people raised their hands. He nodded.

“Who amongst you have sex once a month?”

A majority of the couples raised their hands. There were smiles of relief across the room. Couples looked around and felt good they were with the majority.

The UNESCO man nodded. He wanted to start his lecture but paused. For fun, he asked: “who amongst you have sex once a year?”

Immediately he asked the question, he turned to the board to begin writing. Then he heard some couples murmuring. He turned to the class and saw a man raising his hands high and smiling wide.

“What is so funny about having sex once a year?” he asked the man.

“Because tonight is the night,” the man answered.

***

I was doing a research on sex when I had an eureka moment. And here is it:

The conservative nature of a society is inversely proportional to how adventurous the society was few generations ago. (You can call this the Rudolf’s 1st law of social behavior. I am still working on the second.)

I did not know that Indians have sex. I mean, I know there are over one billion Indians but I always thought many of them were made in test tubes. You do not blame me or anyone with such a view because the Indians we see today are some of the most conservative people in the world.

But it has not always been like that. I found that out the hard way. One day after Psychology 202 class, I was debating Freud with Vejay’s twin daughters at the back of my car when without a warning, they grabbed …

Just kidding.

I was looking at a picture book on India and I saw the sculptures around Mukteswara Temple and at Lakshmana temples among others. Jesus Christ! Gadamn it. These Indians were kinky. WTF! Sex the Kama Sutra text believed could be utilized for enlightenment.

And then there is the tantric text and the quest for perpetual bliss by way of sex. It comes with it the promise of erotic ecstasy, sexual magic, expanded orgasm(one hour orgasm that covers the whole body), soul-to-soul sex, wonder, astonishment, awakening, higher consciousness and more wonder. It even promises a love making that opens the veil. The veil. The evil veil.

I was obviously born in at the wrong time and in the wrong continent. I missed a great opportunity to be a guru.

Long time ago, while the world was sleeping, the Indians discovered sex. Two thousand years ago, the Indians were doing sexual things some societies will not get to try in the next two thousand years.

I am interested in knowing what happened to those Indians. Were they extinct? But more importantly, how did the Indians discover sex?

When I was a five year old, I watched my first concert. It was performed by the students of St. Monica’s women’s teachers’ training college, in Ogbunike. I recalled how the curtain opened and these young women, dressed in elegant gown, high heel shoes and long wigs came out to sing in their angelic voice, the song called Anambra State. Then, I had no understanding what a burden it was to be born in Anambra State. For this special edition of the Tonight Show with Dr. Damages, I have invited the same choir to come and sing that same song for us. Three decades after, their voices have cracked, their backs have stooped and their faces are wrinkled. They are not wearing elegant gowns or high heel shoes or even wigs, but the essence of the song has remained the same. Please give it up to the St. Monica’s choir.

Conductor: (Raises his tuning fork. He turns to the right and left and strikes)

Choir: Anambra state
I’m happy to come from you
I’m happy to be associated with your progress
Tenor: What shall I do?
Choir: For the progress of my state
Tenor: What shall I do?
Choir: To make my state great?
Tenor: Selfless feats
Efficiency
And all that I can.
Choir: I will
Put in my best
To make my state
The best of states.

Dr. Damages: Please give a hand of applause to St Monica’s choir of 1976. Ain’t they wonderful?

(Applause)

Dr. Damages: In our program tonight, I have brought together the stakeholders in the Anambra state crises. This is the first time they are coming together in one room. When they walk onto the stage please give them a warm welcome. It is not easy to be amongst the stakeholders of a state.

From Nnewi, by way of Kings College, Lagos and Oxford University, in the United Kingdom, please welcome Dim Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu, Ikemba Nnewi and the eternal leader of the virtual state of Biafra.
(Applause)
From Oko, via NPN, please welcome the architect of the greatest political party in sub-Saharan Africa, the PDP and the former vice president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, Dr. Alex Ekweueme.
(Applause)
From Agulu, by the grace of the Pope in Vatican, please welcome the current governor of Anambra state, Saint Peter Obi.
(Applause)
From Alor, via Onwa, by way of Aka Ikenga, please welcome the first kidnapping victim, former governor of Anambra State, Dr. Chris Ngige.
(Applause)
From Uga, via California Institute of Technology, Ojuelegba campus, please welcome the former house maid of President Olusegun Obasanjo and by the grace of God, the Anambra state Governor-in-Waiting, Dr. Andy Uba.
(Applause)
From Isuofia by way of the Central Bank of Nigeria, please welcome the money man and the sole creator of the banking boom, Gov. Chukwuma Soludo.
(Applause)
And last but not the least, from Uga, please welcome the first kidnapper and the general overseer of past Anambra crisis as well as the godfather of Anambra politics, Chief Chris Uba.
(Applause)

Dr. Damages: Gentlemen welcome to the show. You all watched the St. Monica’s choir sing about Anambra state of the golden days. What happened?

Ekwueme: Well, nothing happened. And that is the problem. Nothing changed. So everything remained the same. The premium for power only increased as time went by.

Dr. Damages: Are things the same, Ikemba?

Ojukwu: Of course not. The same Ekwueme’s NPN people that rigged me out in 1983 senatorial election have continued to rig elections today in their new toga, the PDP. Their sophistication is in advancing their corrupt practices. The chicken has come home to roost.

Dr. Damages: Governor Ngige, where did we get it wrong?

Ngige: To find the answer to that question, you have to go to the very beginning- at creation time. You see, no matter how many times you split Anambra state, as long as you have these core groups sitting at this table, it will remain the hot pot that it is. As bad as Gov. Mabadinuju was, he wasn’t as useless as the likes of Gov. Udenwa of Imo state or Gov. Kalu of Abia state or those people that have governed Ebonyi State and Enugu state. But the problem is that the people in Anambra State will not let you eat your ripe pear in one peace. While 99 % of Anambra people do not care, the 1% of people who care set your behind on fire.

Andy: I agree with Ngige that when ones pear is ripe, he should be allowed to enjoy it. And that is why I am paying, sorry, praying the court to declare me the governor-in-waiting because just like Gov. Obi, I won an election and I should be allowed to govern before another election takes place.

Obi: Andy, your election was not a legitimate election. It was not credible either. You cannot compare it to the one that brought me to power. The people voted for me. Ghosts voted for you.

Chris Uba: (speaking to Obi) My friend, go and sit down somewhere. We know how we do election in Nigeria. It is who know man; who know president; who know Maurice Iwu. That is all. Everything else is akuko na egwu Mike Ejeagha.

Dr. Damages: So Soludo, how are we going to ensure that Anambra does not deteriorate further into crisis? And as an intellectual, are you satisfied with the role you are playing in this current crisis?

Chris Uba: (interrupts) Inte-gini?

Soludo: First of all, I want to use this opportunity to urge Chris Uba to tell his gang to release my father. If anything happens to my father, it will be a fight to the finish. He knows I am a gentleman but I am also capable to unleashing violence if that is the language he understands.

Chris Uba: Don’t mind that stupid man. He go hide his father and come here to blame Chris Uba. Everything that happens to anyone in Anambra state it is blame Chris Uba. If your wife no get belle, it must be Chris Uba’s fault. If you steal government money and they catch you, it is Chris Uba. If you and your fellow bank criminals steal from investors and ruin the banking industry, it is Chris Uba who caused it. I am the mover, the decider, and the shaker, but I don’t need to kidnap your father to teach you a lesson. If I want to show you pepper, I will just squeeze your scrotum. You know your two tiny nuts are in my hands.

Ngige: I think the PDP should be disqualified for this coming election. They have failed to produce a candidate at the required deadline.

Soludo: May dog leak your eyes out. Bush meat.

Andy: (To himself) I miss Baba. If Baba in power all these nonsense will not be taking place. This sick president, na wa. I hear people say that unlike my OBJ, he has no balls. But which sick man has balls? His wife has more balls than him.

Dr. Damages: Dr. Ekwueme, how do we resolve this impasse?

Ekwueme: It is a family matter. I’m sure the PDP family will soon meet and reconcile our people.

Chris: I am a Board of Trustee member of our great party. And I have written it on a wall that does not leak. Over my dead body will Soludo be the PDP’s candidate for governor. The man is a thief. He gave me $10 million to support him. What does he think I am? A truck pusher? What is $10 million? Doesn’t he know that I spend it in a week, just like that? That money is not even enough to maintain my girlfriends’ lifestyle. The Anambra governor’s chair should not be given to a man whose only plan is to take immunity cover because of all the bad things he did at the Central Bank.

Ojukwu: There are some serious candidates who are solemn about the issues affecting our people. But these PDP charlatans are distracting us from the main discussions we should be having.

Chris Uba: I will pretend that I did not hear what you just said, just because you led us during the war. Otherwise…

Ekwueme: Ikemba has a point. I think Anambra needs a vigorous debate about issues and how to serve the people. It is not just vital to Anambra’s progress, it is necessary for the whole Igbo nation because when Anambra leads, others follow. But when Anambra dithers, as it has been doing in the last ten years, others dither.

Chris Uba: Old man shut up. I say shut the fuck up. What do you know about leadershiping? What do you know about politicsing? Failing politicians like you should retiring and leaving the staging for young bloods like us.

Dr. Damages: Yes, the young generation. Have the young once failed more than their parents?

Ngige: Since the inception of Anambra state, old and new, no governor has performed better than me. And I know the people will return me to power if only we could have a credible election.

Obi: I have produced a 20-point agenda, 30 point roadmaps, and 40 points of light. I have the most comprehensive strategic agenda endorsed by the United Nation’s development authorities and the International institute of planning and advancement. My contract with Anambra people is anointed by Catholic bishops of the Niger, Awka and Enugu. I have elevated the development indexes of our people since I took office. And that is why I need their mandate to continue with my divine mission.

Andy: Get away, Obi agba oso. Where is our security money you carte away from the state? You pretend to be holier than the pope but you are as black as Soludo’s father’s cooking pot inside the Okija bush. Oops! Did I just say that? I mean, I need just one month as governor to transform the state. One month. I believe the court will hear my prayers.

Soludo: What did you bring to Anambra state as President Obasanjo’s special assistant? Why should anyone believe that you will remember the people of the state when you become governor?

Andy: Soludo, go and answer the EFCC. Did you really make one naira for every naira you printed? I thought I was a genius the way I operated… owning mansions and private jets without owning a single bank account. But I suspect you are a smarter genius than I am.

Ojukwu: My concern is that Anambra state should not be turned into a play ground for the likes of Anineh and David Mark. It will be an all out war if anyone tries to interfere with the mandate of our people.

Chris Uba: Every time you speak, you say war war war. No be today we dey see hausa people and their spears. We rigged election in 2007, what happened? Why should we be afraid this time? Because Ojukwu said so? Listen, if my candidate gets the PDP ticket, the result of next year’s election will be this: My candidate will get 63% of the vote, Peter Obi will get 22% of the vote, Ngige will get 9% of the votes, and others will share what remains. You can take that to the bank.

Dr. Damages: Gov. Obi, you used to say that the society we abuse today will take its revenge on our children.

Chris Uba: (interrupts) The Ekwueme generation started the abuse. The society they created is taking its revenge on us.

Obi: Virgin Mary knows that I have not abused our society. I have only enhanced it. Peter Obi has not taken a kobo he does not earn. If I have done anything like that, let the door of heaven slam on my face. I have only one asset. It is my integrity. And I am not ready to put it on the line.

Soludo: So what happened with the 250 million you have been siphoning out each month? Didn’t you say you will not run for a second term? Didn’t you say that the next title you will have is an ex-governor? Isn’t it a case of the dance turning sweet and you becoming a fanatical dancer?

Obi: Satan, go you behind me. Rumors, innuendoes, unsubstantiated allegations will not distract me from the divine task at hand. I refused to let that happen. God knows that I was a very rich man before I became governor. The Pope prayed for me at St. Paul’s cathedral in Rome and I am marching on.

Dr. Damages: Ngige, is the solution in dividing Anambra State further?

Chris Uba: Cut off the Nnewi-Nnobi-Nnenni axes and there will be peace.

Ngige: Who do you cut off? You can cut off Onitsha and Awka but what remains will still be the Anambra state. And as long as you have the Aguata axes in the mix, it is going to remain hot. It is the axes of discord.

Andy: Give me one month and I will rebrand Anambra state. Just one month. I will make Vision 2020 arrive at the speed of light.

Chris Uba: My candidate has a plan to remain Anambra state. I think the problem is with the name. Anambra river is a great river but the spirits in that river are powerful. It has the most dreadful mermaids living in it. They make the people of the state strong-headed.

Dr. Damages: What will be the new name, Chris?

Chris Uba: Uba state. The wealth state. It will become a respectable state once again. The state that produced Dr. Nnamdi Azikwe, Chinua Achebe, Chike Obi, Emeka Anyoku, Sir Louis Mbanefo and Chief Chris Uba will regain its respectabiliting.

Ekwueme: (Laughs)

Chris Uba: Old man, what is so funny?

Ekwueme: Nothing, my son. I’m just laughing because you forgot to mention two of us here.

Chris Uba: For your information, I’m not your son. Your sons are useless nonentities. If they are not, they would have been involved in the politics of Anambra state.

Ojukwu: We are not dividing Anambra state anymore. We have had enough divisions as it is. What we need is to find our common denominator. And I think it should be around service of our people. They do not care what we are haggling about today. All they want is for us to improve their lives.

Dr. Damages: Obi, you once said and I quote. “If I do not get Onitsha turned around I will go home. I’m not desperate for this job.” Why do you all seem desperate for this job?

Chris Uba: I am not running for governor. I cannot be running for a position that I am bigger than.

Soludo: (stands up and walks toward Chris Uba) Where is my father, Chris? Where is he? I’m going to deal with you.

Chris Uba: Go and sit down. You cannot be does nothing.

(Chris stands up and holds Soludo on the collar. Ekwueme goes to help, Chris uses his right leg to kick Ekwueme. Ekwueme’s butt slams the floor. Ojukwu gives Ekwueme hand as he stands up and heads to the door.)

Dr. Damages: On that note, I want to thank all my guests today. Until next time, goodnight and God bless Anambra state. And as we say in Awka, it shall be well with Anambra State.

The 2009 election has come and gone. Once again, the media and their political analysts have failed in their assessment of what would happen.

They are going to also fail in their interpretations of what happened.

In spite of what you see on TV or what your newspaper columnist is saying, the election was not a referendum on President Barack Obama. What happened in Virginia and New Jersey wasn’t a sign that the Democrats are in trouble and the Republicans are surging. The result was simply a refection of the time.

And what is the time? It is a time of economic uncertainty and voters are worried. The voters have no patience with slow recovery that has not provided jobs. They think that the government is not acting fast enough to address their pressing problems. They perceive government as being more interested in helping the elite, the same people who have always benefited from the system.

It is good this election happened one year after the election of Barack Obama. The next election coming one year from now will be more significant. By then, the blame for the economic mess will be squarely placed on Obama’s feet. Nobody then will remember that George W. Bush was the president who got us in this mess. What that means is that the stakes will be a lot higher then.

Here are the Ten Things the Democrats must do now.

1.) Obama must begin to approach governance as a president who is not interested in winning a second term. That will free him from compromising and from searching for the center. If he delivers for his base, he will win another term easily.
2.) The Democrats who are from the red states must stop panicking over their political future. In the worst case scenario, they cannot save themselves if the Democrats fail to deliver and they cannot save themselves if the Democrats deliver. So they might as well help the Democrats to deliver.
3.) Just like the result of NY 23 Congressional seat shows, the Democrats should keep pushing the Republicans to the extreme right. Let them ally with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. When it is time to go to the polls, majority of Americans will always stay away from the fringe.
4.) Democrats should find a way to pass the Healthcare reform bill with a public option. There is no better way to awake their base. If they fail, the base will be asleep in 2010, just like they were yesterday.
5.) Before the 2010 election, Democrats should push for a comprehensive immigration bill. It will look like suicide in the light of today’s unemployment numbers but it is not. It will fire up the conservatives and get many of them off the edge. But it will also show the contrast between the two parties. That will stop people from confusing the two.
6.) By 2010, the economy will be picking up and job situation will be looking better. The Independents must have seen that the alarm over debt and the deficit was exaggerated. When faced with the never changing Republican alternative, many will make the right choice.
7.) Democrats should pass a law protecting the right of Fox News to keep doing whatever it is they are doing. The law should protect them from White House attacks. It will demand an immediate trading of CNN’s Lou Dobbs to Fox News in exchange for Bill Hammer.
8.) As election 2012 gets close, Nancy Pelosi should threaten to challenge Barack Obama for the Democratic Party nomination. That will be enough reminder to the nation of what the alternative is.
9.) Democrats should pass a bill compelling Joe Lieberman to attend all Republican conventions from now on and make the keynote speeches.
10.) In case of emergency, Michelle Obama should be ready to step in and run for an open senate seat anywhere in the country.

My friends
Why are you shocked?
There comes a time
When positions detect
That a man must say
Keep the lips
So long as I have the boobs
And the other door
Down below

Those who underestimate President Obama do so at their own peril. Again and again, Obama has proven that he is a force to reckon with.

Never in my lifetime have I seen the politics of America this vicious. The opposition is not just interested in defeating the president come 2012, they are interested in destroying him come tomorrow. The good news is that Obama is built to resist their hits.

During the summer, the opposition cranked up the volume of their vitriol. They exacerbated about the danger of reforming the American healthcare system. It was tagged the final straw that would bring an end to the America we know. At one point it looked as if the America was going to descend into a civil war over Obamacare.

Obama remained calm. He took the beating. And when they were done, when football season began and the tea party goers head for the sofa, Obama returned. Now a public option, once considered dead-on-arrival, is going to be in the final bill to be voted for in Congress. And the heavens have not fallen.

The American political landscape is distorted. Those Nixon once called the silent majority have not been this silent. The noisy minority confuses the silence of the majority as proof of their extinction. The 3 million people who watch FOX news every day somehow think they are America. They lost sight of the other 60 million Americans who watch the rest of the 1001 TV channels in the US.

Consequently, a whole lot of people are losing it, including a once decent guy like Thomas Sowell and David Brooks. The commentators are rushing for hyperboles to explain their hyperventilation. They are not just throwing the sink and the kitchen table, they are chasing their shadows around. It is a pathetic caricature.

The conspiracies are multiplying. They always do when we confront an extraordinary thing that does not fit our preconceived notion of reality.

As a result, the wing nuts are everywhere advertizing their wares. They are chipping away at Obama’s credibility. But they are also digging the graveyard of the Republican Party members who silently nod in approval. The wing nuts do not just define Obama, they also define the parameters of anyone who can authentically be an alternative.

For voters who are looking for an alternative to Obama, they are weighing all possible candidates against the picture of the reality that Dick Cheney and Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are painting. It is not going to be a Mitt Romney. It is not going to be a John McCain. Instead, it is going to be someone on the fringe because it is only those on the fringe that are called to the fringe.

But no matter how screwed up America is, America knows the fringe when it see it.

I just finished a memoir. The central dramatic question is, “Am I my grandfather?”

It is generally believed that I am my grandfather. In 254 pages, I tried to tell the story of my life and how I perceived the cultural phenomenon of my people.

My grandfather had an uncompleted mission that he vowed to come back and complete. I have not started tackling the mission. It is not even well defined. But I see myself being positioned by forces beyond my control to take it on.

As far as I know, there is no empirical proof that death is the end of life. There is no evidence that it is not, either.

If death is the end of life, the world will be a lot different. For one, all religions will become useless. Without a humongous reward for living a good life, man will be worse than he is today.

Those who are deeply invested in the outcome of the afterlife questions will continue to engage in the search. They will pick up one clue after another while at the same time expanding the frontiers of the mystery.

In the Igbo mythology from which I hail, the creator has a complex relationship with the deities who were once spirits and who were once man in this world. The cycle goes thus: the creator makes the man; the man dies and becomes a spirit; the spirit reincarnates until it is accomplished enough to become a deity and that is when it returns to be part of the governing council of the creator.

In the life continuum of the Igbo, those who commit suicide do not reincarnate. They have done the greatest damage to the body and as such do not deserve to inherit another.

My story does not fit your typical reincarnation story. It does not even raise points of argument. Instead it goes beyond all that to present the reason why we needed to invent reincarnation even if it does not exist.

We know by physical observation that there are other worlds. There is still not a full understanding of the interactions between our world and the other worlds. In the same way, we know there is something inside the body that is beyond the body. That is the thing that stays awake while the body rests.

We are so immature in our very young world to understand all the vibes that surround us.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Sarah Palin wrote her bestselling memoir in 8 days. Joe Kline of Time magazine wrote his in 8 hours. I have been writing mine for the past one month and 26 days.

So I go to the library everyday. And when I go there, I sit at a particular section that has only 4 chairs. I have sat at the same section in the last one and half years I have been going to this same library. I have not ventured upstairs or downstairs.

The other day, I went to the library as usual. At my section I found no available chair. I tried to hang out a bit to see if anyone would leave but nobody did. I went to another section of the library and sat. That section did not have desk cover so anyone could see everyone else in that section. I did not care.

I sat down and started to write Chapter 15 of my memoir.

I just recovered from a cold but I still had that habitual sniffling going. I was not conscious of it but it.

All of a sudden, I heard a woman three desks away.

“Why are you sniffling?” She yelled. “Why won’t you go to the bathroom and blow your nose.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

She repeated herself.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

I raised my head up. When I looked down, I glanced at the woman’s fingers to confirm that she had no wedding ring. A woman like that would not be able to live with a man.
Just as I predicted, she had no wedding ring.

I looked at her very well. She wore a black turtle-neck shirt and a black skirt. Her snickers were dirty and her blonde hair was haggard. She had wrinkles all over her face and in her hands was an ancient text. She should be in her late forties or early fifties.

I watched as she got up from her chair. She walked across and grabbed her fully stuffed handbag and a polythene bag and a black travelling bag and a black personal shopping cart stuffed with bags upon bags. She had all her possessions with her in the library.

Then it occurred to me that every library has its own mad man or woman, even this one that is tugged inside a very rich neighborhood of Long Island, New York.

Even the believers were beginning to say that President Obama needed to put a win on the board. He went to Copenhagen and came back with a loss. His Chicago lost to Rio in an Olympic race.

His opponents deride him for the loss. Some celebrated. Their vitriol did not subside. When a man is down some simply kick him the more. One online journal declared after Copenhagen that “The Ego Has Landed.”

Well, the ego has just soared.

The awarding of the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace shocked even his supporters. Last Friday, Copenhagen cut Obama to size. This Friday Oslo let him ascend a higher plain.

His opponents are busy searching for a way to demean the award. Of course, it is easy to say that Obama has not done anything concrete to deserve the prize.

But Glenn Beck will beg to disagree. Like Beck informs his viewers everyday, even before Obama was elected president, he swore to fundamentally transform America. It rattles the guts in Beck. That skinny man with big ears is not only transforming America, he is transforming the world.

On the night he won the election, Obama declared that, ‘change has come to America.” This was how he put it:

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer that led those who’ve been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

After his 1963 speech at the march on Washington, Martin Luther King jr. was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. Four years after, he was assassinated. And it was after his death that the Civil Rights Acts were passed by Congress.

In another way, the Nobel for Obama is a repudiation of the presidency of President George W. Bush. His approach to world affairs alienated the rest of the world. Those Americans who do not care about the world will obviously know down the Nobel.

The good news is that the world is taking note. It is usual that a prophet is not recognized in his own country. It did not start today. And it will not end today.

That Obama is a historical individual on a legendary mission must not be forgotten because of the intricacies of trying to govern a complex country like America. The seriousness of the opposition he faces is the proof of the seriousness of his task.

Though the Nobel is awarded to Obama today, the real significance of Obama’s coming will not be clear until twenty years after he leaves office.

Then those looking for the answer to today’s news will see it.

I’m stunned beyond words.

David Letterman is having sex? With whom? Have these women lost all shame?

Ok. Rewind.

I know his current wife used to work for him on the show. So he had done it before. But then…

Now, let us go back.

A CBS’s “48 hours” producer found out that David Letterman was having sex with some of his employees. Female employees, I must say to avoid lawsuits. The producer gathered the evidence and left a note for Dave. He demanded $2 million from Dave in order to keep quiet. But Dave dared the consequences and reported him to the authorities. When the producer went to cash a fake $2 million dollars check he received from Dave, he was nabbed.

Now this is enough material for Sarah Palin or anyone Dave has ever hurt with his monologue to begin a comedy show. In fact, I do not doubt a Broadway Show based on this.

Don’t they have shame at CBS? Why should a CBS producer go after another CBS staff? Isn’t it illegal? Why didn’t he go after the low life on FOX?

I know Dave is old, but come on, he still can read the sexual harassment policy. Or has he lost his sight too? If only Dave had allowed his mother to read the policy for him as part of his night time stories.

Yucky!

Dave having sex? Was it before the heart surgery or after?

Looking at Dave, one can see that everything is going. How come that part is still kicking strong? I know younger people than Dave who had gone through similar heart surgery who cannot get it up. What is Dave using? Viagra?

Bear with me, please. I am trying to regain my composure.

We have come to accept that Dave does not come out in public. He does not like company. He goes to his hideout in Montana rather than be seen with ordinary mortals. Not even with his fellow comedians is he comfortable. Was he just too busy with his female employees to come out and help the homeless in the yearly comedy show aimed at supporting them?

Ah! It could be worse. This story has the potential to lead us to worse places. No. Don’t tell me. Could it be? Could it? Could Regis be having sex too?

I give up!

I am very disappointed with Dave. But somehow, that is not enough. It looks like a laughing matter to be just disappointed. I feel like cursing Dave out. Not for having sex with his employees but for giving up a lot of power in the process.

How can he continue to dish it out to others without tickling himself? How can he talk about Clinton and Monica Lewinsky without remembering what he did with his female employees when the light went off?

I think Dave should resign. That clip of him making that confession that has been called brilliant by everyone should be his last.

He should resign not for his wife or for Harry. He should do it to save the dignity of those poor female employees who stoop so low to…

God! Dave is having sex? Somebody wake me up when this nightmare is over and tell me it ain’t so.

While preparing for Nigeria’s 49th Independence anniversary episode of Tonight’s Show with Dr. Damages, someone sneaked into my office and dropped a transcript of a conversation between God and Nigeria’s president, Alhaji Umaru Yar’adua.
I have reproduced here the leaked transcript. It does not need any editorial or editing. So enjoy.

Angel Gabriel: (To Yar’adua) The reason we summoned you to this meeting is to let you make your supplication to God directly. We are offering this opportunity to you to see if that will work. Frankly, my boss is frustrated with you guys. You all are dragging the fate of the black race on the floor. He considered sending his son back again solely for the rescue of your country but the son has bluntly refused to return. And I don’t blame the man. You guys are full of BS. The boss thought about sending another prophet but all the prophets have either retired or have embarked on an indefinite strike. You should understand that one considering your situation with university lecturers. So this is our honest attempt at doing what you guys on earth call a paradigm shift. We want to try representative democracy instead of individual salvation. So when you go in there feel free to load off your worries. My advice is to ask all the questions you may have, answer the boss’s questions truthfully and make your requests for they will surely be granted. Ok?

Yar’adua: Ok.

(Yar’adua walks through the gate of heaven and beholds the shining throne. He prostrates.)

Yar’adua: Allah akbar!

God: Get up my son.

Yar’adua: Allah akbar!

God: I say get up my son.

(Yar’adua gets up.)

God: What can I do for your people?

Yar’adua: Allah akbar!

God: I heard you. How do you feel today?

Yar’adua: Allah, wallahi, I cannot believe I’m in your presence.

God: Yes, you are.

Yar’adua: And I am not dead?

God: No, you’re not.

Yar’adua: Wallahi tallahi!

God: So how are the people you’re ruling?

Yar’adua: Wa? I swear, Allah, it is not me that is ruling?

God: Who is ruling?

Yar’adua: It is my wife, Turai, and James Ibori.

God: So what do you do?

Yar’adua: I spend my time consulting diviners and medicine men.

God: What have you discovered in your consultations?

Yar’adua: That death comes as the end.

God: Do you know that many of your citizens pray to me to get ride of you?

Yar’adua: Yawwa. Allah, don’t mind them. They are ungrateful lazy bastards. I’m their first graduate president but they have hounded me from the very first day I came into office. They will not let me drink some water and put down the cup. As a matter of fact, some of them still consider me illegitimate even after the Supreme Court ruled in my favor.

God: Did you win the election in a free and far way?

Yar’adua: Haba, Allah, are you the one asking this question? You know the way we do it.

God: Which way?

Yar’adua: I mean, their agitation is not really about the election. After all, they all know that it was James Ibori that drew the master plan and executed it. They cannot possibly be serious about laying the blame on me.

God: So this Ibori of a man, what does he want?

Yar’adua: Is anyone listening to us?

God: No.

Yar’adua: Can I trust you?

God: I hope so.

Yar’adua: Frankly, I don’t know what he wants. I have gone naked in front of a shrine and sworn that I will not hand him over for prosecution. I know he is a rogue, a criminal of the highest order. But Allah, he has a strong hold on me.

God: Where does he hold you?

Yar’adua: There.

(Yar’adua points to the ground.)

God: Where?

Yar’adua: That soft spot with two nuts hidden between my thighs.

God: What soft spot?

Yar’adua: (Mutters) Me ya same ka? My scrotum.

God: So what are you gonna do about it?

Yar’adua: I should be asking you, Allah.

God: Do you want me to make it disappear?

Yar’adua: (Raises his voice) Please no. Not my scrotum.

God: If that will free you from Ibori, why not?

Yar’adua: I still need it to produce more daughters for some other up and coming governors.

God: What about your wife?

Yar’adua: No. Innaa. Not with this wife.

God: You plan to marry another wife?

Yar’adua: Yes, after I get new kidneys.

God: But what about your wife? The one we know.

Yar’adua: Yaya? What about her?

God: Is there anything you want me to do?

Yar’adua: That greedy bitch. I don’t think you want to touch that woman with a long spoon.

God: Why not?

Yar’adua: The day you embrace her, that same day, you, God, have embraced death.

God: Are you aware that 150 million of your people are suffering while you are busy sucking up to minors?

Yar’adua: Let them suffer. I’m trying to save my life.

God: What shall it benefit a man to lose his world and save his life?

Yar’adua: Wallahi, a whole lot. Fresh air, Allah. Fresh air. Anything different from the stink all around me.

God: If you can remove one single problem from Nigeria, what should that be?

Yar’adua: My bad kidney.

God: I mean from Nigeria.

Yar’adua: Oh, you choose. My wife, Turai. James Ibori. Andy Uba. Michael Aondoakka. You choose. Any of them will do.

God: I thought you would have said corruption.

Yar’adua: I did. They are corruption personified.

God: Here comes Nigeria’s 49 years as an independent nation…

Yar’adua: Don’t even go there. I know. I know…

God: Are you ashamed?

Yar’adua: For what? At least, we kept it as one.

God: Why is the Niger-Delta the way it is?

Yar’adua: Because I have exercised restraint.

God: What do you mean?

Yar’adua: I am yet to decide that the best thing to do is to make them disappear.

God: Why do you think your people are helpless in the face of unparallel hardship and suffering?

Yar’adua: Because you and I know they are stupid.

God: How come?

Yar’adua: Because instead of doing something about their situation, they waste their time praying for you to change things for them, including uttering that treasonable prayer to get ride of me. And when that is not working, they urge the military to take over power.

God: And?

Yar’adua: They have no way of knowing that the Allah they pray to consults me. Meanwhile the military government they dream of having will ruin their lives much more. For example, this Ibori that we are talking about was a petty thief in London until the military brought him home and made him a mega thief.

God: Where do you go from here?

Yar’adua: Saudi Arabia.

God: No, I mean what happens to your country?

Yar’adua: Well, it depends on what happens to my kidney.

God: Why didn’t you send the Vice-president to the UN to represent your country?

Yar’adua: I got a security report that said his illiterate wife planned to form a government in exile once they stepped into New York.

God: Then you should have sent the Vice-president alone.

Yar’adua: First of all, the Vice-president’s wife will beat him up if he mentions such arrangement to her. She will accuse him of going to New York to sleep with white hos. The second reason is that I suspect that the vice president is the one who leaks damaging stories and pictures to those disgruntled elements at Saharareporters.com.

God: Why did you pick Dikko Abdullahi as your Comptroller General of the Nigerian Customs Service when he does not have a high school certificate?

Yar’adua: What is the big deal? After all, he is running just the customs. People without high school certificate have run this country and run it well for that matter.

God: You got me there.

Yar’adua: Think of it. Does that angel by your gate have a high school certificate? I don’t think so.

God: I said you got me there.

Yar’adua: Umm hu. Sai dai.

God: So what happens next?

Yar’adua: I’m waiting for you to tell me.

God: You tell me. I brought you here to make that call.

Yar’adua: For real?

God: Yes. For real.

Yar’adua: I want you to….. (he hesitates)

God: To do what?

Yar’adua: To to to … (he stammers)

God: Say it.

Yar’adua: Sure?

God: Sure.

Yar’adua: I’m not sure you can do it.

God: Why not? Last time I checked, I was still God. I haven’t got an Ibori or Tura running things here.

Yar’adua: Ok. Ok. Ok.

God: Ok.

Yar’adua: I want you to turn Nigeria into America.

God: How long do I have?

Yar’adua: 40 days and 40 nights.

God: Thanks for giving me enough time. I was worried you would say in seven days. Consider it done.

Yar’adua: For real?

God: For real.

Yar’adua: Walhahi, I was just testing you.

God: What?

Yar’adua: There is only one thing you need to do for people to believe that I met with you.

God: What is that?

Yar’adua: Give me new kidneys.

God: That’s it?

Yar’adua: That’s it.

God: How long do I have?

Yar’adua; Today.

God: That’s easy. Today is still early. I was worried you would say now. Ok, go home and wait. Your kidneys will be replaced before today ends.

Yar’adua: Wace? Which one?

God: Ba ni wuri, snail?

(Yar’adua prostrates and heads home. He has been going home ever since. He crawls slowly and slowly, checking his kidneys every step of the way and patiently waiting for today to end. But today never ends.)